I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
