You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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