Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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