Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize