why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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