i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
