well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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