You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
