I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
