My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize