Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize