Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
