I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
