Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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