he wants to bone in the snuggie
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
A+ Viking dick
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
