i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Enjoy the penises
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
