i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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