I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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