I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
