I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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