They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Randomize
