The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Randomize
