You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
