This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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