dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
