I wannas sexs uuuuu
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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