I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
