Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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