When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
