I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
