I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize