I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
