I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
