Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
