Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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