it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
