respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
