Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
