Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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