happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
