You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
