Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's shark week go big or go home
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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