if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize