Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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