So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
