i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
