i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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