Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
His hands were made for my vagina.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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