i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
where am i from again
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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