I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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