If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
