It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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