Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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