So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
