My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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