It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
