this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
