Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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