Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
