I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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