I am spending my child support on dildos
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
