I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
