I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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