you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
