My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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